3 Reasons Why You Need Coping Skills

I’ll get right to it.

1. Coping skills will help you adapt and adjust to the uncertainties of life.

Let’s face it: we’re often not in control of what happens in our lives. Arguably, we are never in control. Three axioms from the erudite to the profane make that point:

If you’re a person who needs to be in control at all times, good luck. Control is God’s domain. Remember that.

A few years ago,  I went to a weekend seminar called “Redefining Health.” The most valuable point from that weekend is that you can decide to be upset, or not.  Emotions can range from rage to despair to euphoria. A state of “upset” encompasses a broad swath of the negative emotions.  There are times when something is undeniably upsetting, and then there are times when you let yourself get upset. How long you wallow in “upset” is on you.

Coping skills help you regroup and be resilient.

Drowning in despair

Wallowing in despair

2. Not being able to cope is downright unhealthy.  

Over the long term, failure to cope could lead to:

  • chronic stress
  • chronic inflammation
  • a compromised immune system
  • chronic disease
  • destructive behavior
  • prescription medications
  • self-medication
  • poor self-esteem

Years ago, I broke up with a fella I loved dearly. Nice guy, but not the right guy and the relationship needed to end. I was distraught and inconsolable, and couldn’t stop crying. I decided to try therapy. After one session, the psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant. After taking pills for two days, I felt numb — emotionally, and even physically in my right arm — and didn’t really care about anything, including myself.

Ever practical, I thought about it and decided I didn’t like how the pills made me feel.  I needed my edge back. I had simply wanted to talk to the psychiatrist; but, she wanted to fix my pain with pills. I didn’t want or need to be medicated.  My distress was only about a breakup after all.  To get over it, I embraced this four-letter word:


3. Without coping skills, you risk social isolation. 

Do you really want to be the person who seems to always have the Dark Cloud over their head? Do you know the type? This person is negative, a complainer, perceives conspiracies everywhere, and has built a wall based on distrust. You can only take but so much of the person under the Dark Cloud before you start evasive maneuvers.

Here’s an example based on another common misery:  a job. I had two particular friends, whom I hung out and talked with on a daily basis. At first, we all complained about our jobs. One by one, they found new jobs and were re-energized. I hadn’t tried to change my circumstances like they did. Instead, I continued to bring my misery-fest into our interactions. Eventually, they stopped calling and returning my calls. I had been dumped. My feelings were hurt, but some time later, I had to admit:  I would’ve dumped me, too.  I was hard to take.

Sometimes you find yourself under the Dark Cloud, but some people live there for real. They let the Dark Cloud envelope them like a cocoon.  That is the point at which a person becomes a “social repellent.” You do not want to be that person.


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Aging: It Doesn’t Have to be Straight Downhill

Aging — it happens every minute of our lives and starts at birth.  Aging — it  can neither be denied nor held at bay, not even with alluring products and superfoods that claim “anti-aging” magic. In developed countries, we’re living longer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going well.

Let’s aim for living and aging well.

I wonder all the time how well will I age, and what kind of old person will I be?  From observing people around me — and remembering the people I no longer see — I figure that how well anyone gets on down this road is partly in their control, and partly a crapshoot (including the vagaries of the gene pool).

My parents aged differently, although my father had quite a long run. He was house-bound and no longer driving his car the last two years of his life. When Daddy was having a rough time, he’d chuckle and recite this poem:

The Golden Years are here at last

I cannot see, I cannot pee

I cannot chew, I cannot screw

My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks

No sense of smell, I look like hell

The Golden Years are here at last

The Golden Years can kiss my ass

(Original version by Kimers)

My mother, on the other hand —  “Ms. Daisy” —  is still vibrant in her late 80s, having adventures of her own. I also know a certain nonagenarian, who’s closer to 100 years of age than not, who recently went on a Panama Canal cruise with his younger girlfriend. My three siblings and I share this gene pool and it’s not clear yet how things will go for us. It seems that I’m the one with some kind of weakness, having had major surgeries of the back, abdomen, and breast at a fairly young age. But, so far so good for us all.

American culture glorifies youth, who often act like older people are just in the way; that they have an expiration date or a shelf life. I saw as much in trite comments about former President Jimmy Carter on Twitter after his cancer diagnosis was announced. A few comments were along the lines of: “He’s had a long life, no need to be sad” and “It’s gotta happen sometime,” etc.  This former President continues to add value to this world into his nineties. He is a treasure, plain and simple. We should all strive to be fractionally as productive. (And Mr. Carter is a lifelong tennis player, too.)

Don’t underestimate old folk or write them off.  I was in my 20s when I faced an unlikely opponent in a tennis tournament. She walked slowly onto the court wearing surgical stockings and a thin sweater, like she had a chill. She carried only her racquet, not a tournament bag full of gear like the rest of us. To me, she looked old as hell. I thought: ‘I’ve got this.  I’ll overpower that old lady and run every ball down.’ Old Lady had a different notion. She planted herself in the region of the court called “No Man’s Land” to return my serves and ground strokes. (Few people have the skills to play an entire match there.) Old Lady took all my balls on the rise and yanked me from corner to corner. Hardly moving from that area the whole match — and certainly not breaking a sweat — Old Lady ended it with ruthless efficiency. I was running balls down all right, many of which were out of reach.

This is how I looked.


Old Lady waxed me with wisdom.

The other aspect of aging is accepting and feeling positive about physical changes you cannot help without surgery. I’m not a fan of plastic surgery because I don’t want to have “puppet-face.” Besides, it’s a waste of money; gravity wins over time.  Speaking of which, looking down in a mirror revealed to me gravity’s effects on my face and neck. I was, like, damn….  Anyway, there are a lot of things to come to terms with as time marches on. I’ll embrace the aging process because I’m happy to be here, and I’m still me. There’s always some wise person to remind us that growing old beats the alternative.

This photo of tennis teammates makes my point for living and aging well. (Teammates ranged in age from a few thirty-somethings to one septagenarian, featured below. To say this team was “selective” is an understatement. Everybody kicked butt!)

Teammates from the Maryland State Champions 2015, 3.5 18 & over women's team

Vicious Vollies / Prince George’s County – Maryland State Champions 2015, 3.5 18 & over women’s team – Photo courtesy of Tinya Coles-Cieply

Taking an example from a certain President and a certain tennis teammate, this is how I want to be in my Senior Years:

  • Helpful and an inspiration to others
  • Still an athlete, playing USTA league matches in every age category from 18 & over  to Super Seniors (ages 65-85)
  • Not dependent on meds
  • Still traveling
  • Full of joy
  • Hanging with friends (young and old)

How do you see yourself in your Senior Years?

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